By Kimber Olson
I’m relatively new to this religion thing. I’ve always been close to the bone, close to a deep sense of shared responsibility for one another, of knowing and, well, sometimes living, a spiritual life. But organized religion as a whole, and the Bible in particular, were not part of my formal training growing up. As a result, I’m new to Lent. I’ve thought about it a lot for the past few years and I just haven’t quite figured out a good way of honoring the season until this year. I mean, I could give up chocolate, or coffee, or wine, but those don’t seem to bring me closer to God. Just giving something up arbitrarily seems more like a punishment or a chore to me. And that doesn’t feel like a God Message. Pastor Emily’s recent sermon on the season of Lent encouraged me to think about what I need to give up, or what I should do more of, in order to break down the barriers between God and me. Now this makes sense. I had a bit of an ‘ah-ha’ moment listening to her. I have to admit that I often don't understand the complicated stories in the Bible. I need the children’s remedial version of The Story, or to listen to our pastors connect current events, past history and Jesus’ intent to an idea before I can get it in a real way that impacts my life. Thank God for our pastors.
Forgiving. That is my practice for this Lent period. Now, don’t stop reading here, because I don’t think I’m going to give you the traditional version of how and why and when we are supposed to forgive. Mostly because I just don’t buy it, but also because, for a variety of reasons, forgiving others comes unusually easy to me. So that can’t be what I focus on for Lent.
I tend to see all people as equally worthy. I have always believed that every one of us has things we do well and things we need to atone for. I have had people hurt me, and, even when it takes years, I have forgiven them. My friend Shelley explained it like this: there are ten commandments, and each of them is a rule to live by because it protects us from ourselves; it helps us to be better people, and it keeps us from hurting others. Shelley also shared that the ten commandments are separated into two categories: one group that shows us how to love and be connected to God and another that shows us how to love others. It seems to me that these were God’s intention; not to make us rule-followers, but to point us in the direction of love. When I asked Shelley how she sees sin, she said that she couldn’t find anywhere in the Bible that listed out which sin was worse than another. The ten commandments don’t specify that one is more important than another, or that breaking one is any more serious than another. That is a human concept, she said. Each of the commandments was meant to help us be safe, protected, cared for. Which is what God wants for us. To feel loved and supported. It is why Jesus asks, not just of the men in the Bible story, but of each of us today, to be the first to throw the stones at another if we are ourselves without sin. None of us are. So, we should love one another, care for and support one another, and forgive the sins of one another. Seven times seventy times. Over and over and over ad nauseum.
Jesus speaks about forgiving in the Bible in so many different ways, and so many different times, and I suppose he does that because it isn’t an easy concept, and it’s an even more difficult task to accomplish. But for some reason, forgiving others isn’t my problem. Forgiving myself, on the other hand, well, that has always been hard to come by. I know I'm not alone in this. Maybe it's difficult for you or someone you love as well.
There is a Native American teaching and it goes something like this, “The Creator designed earth to be self-supporting – everything is interconnected and all things were created to be of service to each other. The Indian way is to pray about all things. Religion is not separate from any part of our lives. Everything is spiritual and we are to view all matters in this way. Family is spiritual, work is spiritual, helping others is spiritual, our bodies are spiritual, our talk is spiritual, our thoughts are spiritual. We need to practice seeing things as spiritual” – from Meditations with Native American Elders: The Four Seasons by author Don Coyhis.
Well, if that is true, and I believe it is, then I have failed miserably. Still, I don’t think Jesus would want me to lay down and cover myself in the misery of my failure. I think he would want me to get up off my butt, brush that stuff off, and start new every moment of every day. Thus, the importance of being present to the moment. Without that awareness, I cannot recognize that I have wrapped myself in a blanket of shame and that I am holding onto, even coveting my mistakes as if I was the appropriate one to judge them. I’m actually pretty sure that’s God’s job. Somehow, I keep finding myself in positions in which I try to take over for Him.
For Lent this year, I am not forgiving myself. That would just be too big of a step for me. I know that I am already forgiven by God, I was even baptized and born again without sin. I know this intellectually, and I recognize what many people have told me; that I am second-guessing God when I don’t forgive myself. That I am putting myself above Him, as if I have more information, or believe I am more ‘right’ to condemn myself than He is to forgive me. But I’m just not there yet. So, I’m not forgiving myself, but I am trying every single moment to catch myself thinking violent thoughts towards myself. To stop speaking so negatively to myself. To stop calling myself names. To stop berating myself for my mistakes or to cover myself in shame. For Lent, I’m not giving these things up because that would be ridiculous. I would fail. Instead, for Lent, I am trying to make a change. I am trying harder to see myself through God’s eyes. To accept His mercy and His grace, to believe that, while I don’t deserve it, I also don’t deserve it any more or less than anyone else. To try to remember that God knows best, not me.
It is so important to validate who people are and who they are becoming, not who they were yesterday or what they have done in the past. Funny when you are the person who needs to hear the words you have said to so many others for so long – but I believe those words, and, while it took me a number of years to get here, I am willing to (try to) apply them to myself today. For Lent, I will practice being more aligned with God’s message every day – not by trying to be a better person, but by seeing myself as more of who I already am in God’s eyes.
Whatever we put our attention toward is what we will get more of. That is true of our broken world today and it is true of my broken self as well. We all have a choice to see the worst in others and in ourselves or to find ways to ignite that last glowing ember in an otherwise dead fire. I choose glow.
St. John member Kimber Olson is a Certified Lay Servant.