By Kimber Olson
“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13. This winter season, we have been contemplating hope, faith, and joy in our devotionals as we build up to the concept of love. These are good building blocks, given that they are all required to fully experience and express love. I would submit that we cannot, in fact, experience the feeling of love, nor can we express the emotion of love through our actions, without hope or faith. Joy, as well as these two, may be both a precursor to and an outcome of love.
Love is a body sensation that is interpreted by the brain and felt as an emotion. We neurocept love (interpret it) through body perceptions that get described as the wrenching in our gut or butterflies in our stomachs, the pain or fullness in our hearts, and the longing or fullness of our wombs. Eighty percent of the messages communicated between body and mind are first felt in the body and then given meaning in the mind based on our past experiences that color the lenses through which we see the world.
Love (noun) can only be experienced internally through these somatic sensations and emotions and is often experienced in isolation. Love (verb), on the other hand, is the outward expression of those very personal body sensations and emotions and is thus experienced by others around us.
Some people find it difficult to connect to their body sensations and feel love as an emotion, usually for reasons relating to neglect or abuse in early childhood, and the ways in which this can lead to disconnection from the body and from emotions. Others may feel the emotion of love very clearly, but not be particularly skilled at expressing that love, leaving their family and friends feeling as if they are not loved at all.
Love is complicated. Johnathan Baylor describes the love that a parent feels for their child as “the most beautiful heartbreak.” Perhaps this is because we can lose hope, have our faith tested, and are frequently met with sorrow, pain and confusion, as opposed to joy, when we are parenting (and in other love relationships)!
I have been contemplating the idea of “love” this month, as I considered writing this devotional. A few nights ago, I woke to a very clear message from God/Love. He asked me this question, which I wrote down word-for-word in my journal: “Do you want to keep skulking in hallways and peering through doorknobs to get a glimpse of me?”. I do not.
Though I have deep feelings of love, I find the expression of love, and especially the ability to receive and accept love from others, including (perhaps especially) God, particularly difficult. It leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable. This isn’t always conscious of course, but as Jayne McConnaughey writes in Trauma in the Pews, “the effects of trauma prevent people from knowing God more fully” (page 287).
When we have received a “good enough” parenting experience, it can be difficult to understand how someone who didn’t will react outwardly with what appears to be unreasonable or “over” reaction to a situation. We may want to ignore, judge or condemn their actions. Or we may want to rush in and make it all better. And yet, “when we minister to people who feel physically or emotionally unsafe, it can be detrimental to pressure them to participate, especially if it involves being vulnerable” (p. 20). This is true in relationships as well. Still, “What the traumatized world needs is the message that healing trauma can enable them to access the abundant life that Jesus promised” (p. 32).
This holiday season, I am grateful that God has posed this question to me. I am in a place in which I feel supported enough that I can now (at 53 years old and after much internal and interpersonal work) answer it. Do I want to continue to peer in at love, sneaking glimpses of it? Giving it out in small doses that feel safe to my body, given my early upbringing? Or am I ready to admit that God has been here all along, offering his love to me, and through Him, the love of others?
There is a type of attachment called “earned secure” attachment. It is developed as an adult, through the consistent and patient loving expressions of compassion, hope, faith and joy of a companion over a period of at least five years. In a deeply committed relationship, especially through difficult or trying times, this attachment style can be earned even though a person may have experienced a difficult and traumatic upbringing. This hope that God offers us through faith in Him (and through those He has sent to love us) creates a joy that is immeasurable. It leads to a type of post-traumatic growth that creates a person more confident, complete, and whole in their ability to both feel and express love to themselves and others.
“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing”. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13.
Perhaps, this season, I will have the courage to give a gift to myself, and it won’t require any money or wrapping. I invite you to consider what gift God may be inviting you to reach out for, or to give to another who may need help in identifying and expressing their feelings of love. If you do, know that, through your gift, as an extension of God/Love, “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 4:7.
St. John member Kimber Olson is a Certified Lay Servant.
