Trust You

By Karen Biggs, St. John Stephen Minister

Psalm 84:12

“Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.”

For survival reasons we are hardwired to be wary and skeptical of those who might cause us harm; we hesitate to trust strangers. Unfortunately, I catch myself treating God this way, too, wary and skeptical of what He’s doing here on earth. Even though I have evidence of His love and goodness in the beautiful creation around me, and I know of His self-giving agape love for me, for us, and I know God actually IS love, I can still feel overwhelmed by the state of the world. One thing or another grabs my chin and turns my face away from Him and towards fear, worry, and doubt. Deep-down, however, I yearn to rest in Him, to really trust that He is here and we will be okay no matter what happens because Love wins in the end — and however that looks in eternity, I believe it will be mind-blowingly good. When the next stormy wave crashes onto the scene, I pray that wave turns my chin towards God, and I not only rest peacefully in His providence and love, but also sing praise to Him for this amazing gift of life and seek out new ways to do God-honoring good on this spectacular planet Earth.

Trust You

I want to trust You

But, surfing the waves of my mind

I loop and loop again with logic and reason,

Wondering where You are in this watery world,

Scanning for You across the horizon.

I want to trust You.

I’m trying to trust You,

Step one: admit that I need You,

That I’m shipwrecked without You,

That You’re the ballast that steadies my boat.

I want to trust You,

In the midst of pandemonium,

Somehow You are working it out in the end, for good.

Unseeable now, as I duck and cover.

Praying the All-Knowing One ever-cares.

I want to trust You,

When I am distant and adrift on a desert sea, 

Waiting and waiting for the One with living water

To draw me to shore and quench my thirst 

With a spring bubbling up to forever-life.

I want to trust You,

When I don’t see any point to it all,

When the suffering seems senseless.

Your thoughts are not my thoughts,

Your ways are not my ways.

I want to trust You,

When you say, “No,” and I rage.

My timing is not Your timing.

Your will looks like a tempest,

Yet You lead me by still waters and restore my soul.

I want to trust You,

When I’m battered by brokenness,

When the sadness spills over and wants to sink me.

You tell me, “I’ve got this, I’m with you.

I’m always with you. I love you.”

I want to trust You,

With this life, just a flash in time.

Your plan, I can scarcely understand.

Your love, swallowing me whole

Rescuing me from swells of doubt.

I want to trust You,

To float on the sea of perfect peace,

Fused with the One who never forsakes,

Wedded to the One who never leaves,

My ephemeral control left to drift.

I want to trust You, 

To cast all my careening cares upon You 

Because You calm the storm with just a Word.

My fate secure, my future held. 

“It is well. All is well.”

Dearest Lord, praise be to You for You are trustworthy. Open our hearts and minds to trust in Your love, Your plan, and the bright eternal future we have in You. Guide us in doing good in the world today and loving all people. Amen.

Fear Not

By Karen Biggs, St. John Stephen Minister

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Fear Not by Karen Biggs

Fear, how fickle you are.

You keep me safe one moment

And paralyze me the next.

You collaborate with my instinct to survive

Yet keep me from living my best.

A paradox of emotion and impulse.

Teasing out the imperative is oh so tricky.

But tell me really, have you gone overboard?

Must I be afraid of quite so much?

Must it consume my thoughts and control me so?

Fear, you four-letter word, I think you’ve tricked me.

You’ve twisted the message & have me under your thumb.

FEAR OF not being loved, 

Of losing a love, of being left alone,

Of rejection, of failure, 

Of change, of being stagnant,

Of not being cool, coming in last,

Of coming out, others finding out.

Of being too short, too tall, 

Too weird, too fat, too thin, 

FEAR OF humiliation, of getting caught,

Of losing my way, of being irrelevant.

Of harm done, of repercussions.

Of accidents, discrimination, and tough conversations.

Of being ignored, the last one picked, or not being picked at all.

FEAR OF death, disease, disability, 

Of losing my mind, of not enough time,

Of aging poorly and being poor.

What shall I do with all of this?

I will pull out the sword of truth that guides me on the right path,

That makes me notice the nuances, opening my eyes,

With courage to wave the banner of authenticity.

I will take the wind out of fear’s sails with prayer,

Connecting, at-one-ing with the Love-Source.

Embracing the will of the Be-ing that spun the galaxies into place.

I will be strengthened in my tribe who helps bear my burden.

People-ing, reaching, engaging, sharing, holding,

Designed to help one another.

I will be brave and face my futile fears bit by bit:

Chipping them away until they are mere sediment

Deconstructing that once insurmountable dam.

I will think of good things, beautiful things

Noble things, lovely and admirable things

To nourish my soul and buoy me up into fresh air. 

I will breathe and let magical music restore me

Engage the senses, delight the mind

Enliven me to tap and twirl here and in my head-space.

I will love myself, take care of myself

With gentle nourishment, validation of my worth, a soothing soak,

Tender concern, peaceful sleep, pillows of compassion.

I will be supported by my Maker who is with me wherever I go.

Never alone, right there, always here, my pilot

Ever present, all-knowing. I reach out and we hold hands.

I will trust in God who strengthens me, who helps me when I’m afraid.

The keeper of time and holder of reality

Reassures me with a star-sparkled future in His presence. 

Faithful Maker, You do not wish us to live in fear, but into Your fullness. Grace us with courage — a gift from You. Thank you for loving us and for being with us and in us. You are the breath in our lungs and we sing Your praise. Amen.

Advent Devotional 24

All is calm, all is bright

Isaiah 9:2-7 NRSVUE 

2 The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness — on them light has shined. 

3 You have multiplied exultation; you have increased its joy; they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as people exult when dividing plunder. 

4 For the yoke of their burden and the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor, you have broken as on the day of Midian. 

5 For all the boots of the tramping warriors and all the garments rolled in blood shall be burned as fuel for the fire. 

6 For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders, and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.  

7 Great will be his authority, and there shall be endless peace for the throne of David and his kingdom. He will establish and uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time onward and forevermore. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will do this. 

 By Pastor Autumn Krueger

Today we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord, and light the final Advent candle! In a few short hours the church will fill with hundreds of people, and I’m reminded of God’s abundance as the sanctuary bursts with the voices of many chatting and singing joyously together. We’ll hear the Word of God read and proclaimed, the crèche will be built, the lights will dim and the glow of only our candles and glow sticks will illuminate the room, and a calm will settle upon us as we raise that light high. It is this calm that ends my night.  

The 11p.m. service is my favorite one because after the day's long joyous celebrations, the aliveness and energy, Sarah’s harp will resonate throughout the sanctuary and a different energy will fill the room. We’ll receive God’s grace through communion, and I get to end my night reflecting on all of the faces I saw illuminated by Christ’s light throughout the day. (I encourage you to look around tonight at all those gathered so you too get to see this!) 

I am so encouraged by you all from all the stories I have heard this season about your generosity, your kindness, and your love for others. I don’t need to say “remember the reason for the season” because you already know. The one we’ve been preparing for has been born, the Christ child. And all that is left to do, is live.  

Friends, may you live with the light of Jesus Christ guiding your way, letting hope energize you, peace fall upon you, joy find you, and love guide you. Amen.  

Autumn Krueger is Associate Pastor of Student and Family Ministry.

Advent Devotional 23

Melodies of hope, peace, joy and love

Psalm 100: 1, 2 and 5. NIV

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness: come before Him with joyful songs.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.

 Mark 12:30-31

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this; “love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

By Mary Alice Donaldson

My love of music was nurtured from an early age by my mom and maternal grandmother, Nini, who would often play violin and piano duets in our living room. My sister Elizabeth and I would sing and dance, while our Dad laughed and beamed with joy.

Last week my husband David and I had the joy of attending New Horizon Preschool’s Teddy Bear class Christmas program. Hearing our three-year-old grandson and his friends sing “Jesus Loves Me this I know for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong” will be one of the highlights of this Christmas season for our family and surely for all those gathered in the St. John sanctuary.

As we have focused together during Advent on hope, peace, joy and love, a continuous stream of melodies and poetry have been weaving through my heart and mind.

The poem written by Christina G. Rossetti and set to music by Gustav Holst and Harold Drake “In The Bleak Mid Winter” has touched me the deepest this season, especially the last verse:

               What can I give him, poor as I am?

                If I were a shepherd I would bring a lamb;

                If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

                Yet what I can I give him: give my heart.

I have been pondering the ways that Jesus exemplified ways of giving gifts:

Jesus listened, fed, prayed, wept, taught, healed, called his followers by name, knew their hearts, spoke words of peace, ministering by his still presence and in the ultimate sacrifice giving his life for us all.

Dearest Lord Jesus, We ask that you prepare our hearts and minds to be open to all that you have for us in this coming new year. May we see YOU in all those we encounter. Fill us with your holy spirit so that we may share your gifts of hope, peace, joy and love in our world. Amen.

St. John member Mary Alice Donaldson participates in Monday Morning Women and occasionally plays cello in worship.

Advent Devotional 22

Learning to accept the gift of love

By Kimber Olson

“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13. This winter season, we have been contemplating hope, faith, and joy in our devotionals as we build up to the concept of love. These are good building blocks, given that they are all required to fully experience and express love. I would submit that we cannot, in fact, experience the feeling of love, nor can we express the emotion of love through our actions, without hope or faith. Joy, as well as these two, may be both a precursor to and an outcome of love. 

Love is a body sensation that is interpreted by the brain and felt as an emotion. We neurocept love (interpret it) through body perceptions that get described as the wrenching in our gut or butterflies in our stomachs, the pain or fullness in our hearts, and the longing or fullness of our wombs. Eighty percent of the messages communicated between body and mind are first felt in the body and then given meaning in the mind based on our past experiences that color the lenses through which we see the world.

Love (noun) can only be experienced internally through these somatic sensations and emotions and is often experienced in isolation. Love (verb), on the other hand, is the outward expression of those very personal body sensations and emotions and is thus experienced by others around us.

Some people find it difficult to connect to their body sensations and feel love as an emotion, usually for reasons relating to neglect or abuse in early childhood, and the ways in which this can lead to disconnection from the body and from emotions. Others may feel the emotion of love very clearly, but not be particularly skilled at expressing that love, leaving their family and friends feeling as if they are not loved at all.

Love is complicated. Johnathan Baylor describes the love that a parent feels for their child as “the most beautiful heartbreak.” Perhaps this is because we can lose hope, have our faith tested, and are frequently met with sorrow, pain and confusion, as opposed to joy, when we are parenting (and in other love relationships)!

I have been contemplating the idea of “love” this month, as I considered writing this devotional. A few nights ago, I woke to a very clear message from God/Love. He asked me this question, which I wrote down word-for-word in my journal: “Do you want to keep skulking in hallways and peering through doorknobs to get a glimpse of me?”.  I do not.

Though I have deep feelings of love, I find the expression of love, and especially the ability to receive and accept love from others, including (perhaps especially) God, particularly difficult. It leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable. This isn’t always conscious of course, but as Jayne McConnaughey writes in Trauma in the Pews, “the effects of trauma prevent people from knowing God more fully” (page 287).

When we have received a “good enough” parenting experience, it can be difficult to understand how someone who didn’t will react outwardly with what appears to be unreasonable or “over” reaction to a situation. We may want to ignore, judge or condemn their actions. Or we may want to rush in and make it all better. And yet, “when we minister to people who feel physically or emotionally unsafe, it can be detrimental to pressure them to participate, especially if it involves being vulnerable” (p. 20). This is true in relationships as well. Still, “What the traumatized world needs is the message that healing trauma can enable them to access the abundant life that Jesus promised” (p. 32).

This holiday season, I am grateful that God has posed this question to me. I am in a place in which I feel supported enough that I can now (at 53 years old and after much internal and interpersonal work) answer it. Do I want to continue to peer in at love, sneaking glimpses of it? Giving it out in small doses that feel safe to my body, given my early upbringing? Or am I ready to admit that God has been here all along, offering his love to me, and through Him, the love of others?

There is a type of attachment called “earned secure” attachment. It is developed as an adult, through the consistent and patient loving expressions of compassion, hope, faith and joy of a companion over a period of at least five years. In a deeply committed relationship, especially through difficult or trying times, this attachment style can be earned even though a person may have experienced a difficult and traumatic upbringing. This hope that God offers us through faith in Him (and through those He has sent to love us) creates a joy that is immeasurable. It leads to a type of post-traumatic growth that creates a person more confident, complete, and whole in their ability to both feel and express love to themselves and others.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing”. 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13.

Perhaps, this season, I will have the courage to give a gift to myself, and it won’t require any money or wrapping. I invite you to consider what gift God may be inviting you to reach out for, or to give to another who may need help in identifying and expressing their feelings of love. If you do, know that, through your gift, as an extension of God/Love, “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. Philippians 4:7.

St. John member Kimber Olson is a Certified Lay Servant.